I think this drawing is proof on some level Chris knew an egg head with no left eye would some day cross his path...he had no idea he was drawing his future fate.

I love this picture of our family as it should be. It was taken in August 2000 almost three months to the day Chris was killed. To me it truly emphasizes....we WERE the Kempas.

I cannot believe this has been my TENTH Mother's Day without Chris in it....It honestly still seems at times like yesterday. I did have a very enjoyable day but his absence was noticed and his memory and spirit remembered.

Chris will NEVER be able to celebrate another birthday.

This past Friday, April 30th my favorite uncle died after a long illness. I wanted to attend his wake and funeral but unfortunatly last week was a BAD week for me health wise. I just couldn't tolerate the 6 hour drive to Buffalo or the craziness of an airport let alone the inflated cost of a last minute 1 hour flight. So I stayed in Michigan but was there in spirit. Tonight about 7 PM I was rinsing a few dishes in the kitchen sink and right before my eyes outside the kitchen window were two Monarch butterflies flying together, then apart and landing on the screen. I was home alone and screamed, "Oh my God, it's Chris and Uncle Don!!" I then just watched their show for a good five minutes. They were still at it when I went to call my Aunt Mary. I intended to call her this evening but was SO happy to be able to tell her about my show!! She believes in signs too...I still do. We enjoyed a very nice, at times emotional 30 minute phone call.

Today is May Day....HURRAH!!.......SO much to say . I hope I feel well enough soon to say it.

Happy 88th Birthday to Grandma Joan. She has no idea who she is or where she is but she is alive! She out lived Chris by MILES and will most likely out live me as well.

A most wonderful Happy 30th!!!!! Birthday to Adam William. I'll never forget Chris being SO excited and couldn't wait for him to turn 21 so he could help him with Driver's Ed. Chris never lived to see that happen. I am so happy for Adam and so proud of him. He has accomplished so much. At the same time it makes me very sad to know Chris will never see 30.

Happy Thanksgiving to my sweet boy. No holiday has been the same or ever will be since you've been gone. I miss you every day.............Love, Mom

Miss you always... After all this time I can look back and see years of missed events and landmarks in your life that never were...............

This poem was contained in our March 2009 Compassionate Friends News Letter. It is titled What I Wouldn't Give? and was written by Diane Jackson-Richards In memory of her son Paul Martin 3/14/84 - 11/16/08.What I wouldn't give to .....see you smile kiss your cheek or even hear you speak.Why oh why did you have to go so soon..We didn't do all the things we meant to do. What I wouldn't give to ....have it the way it used to be, me there for you and you there for me. I've stored all your memories in my heart but despite that there's still an empty part. There's no question I'd give my life for yours. What I wouldn't give to have let you live.

I found this short writing by Tolstoy very interesting and appropriate. It is titled The Death of the Young......People ask: "Why do children or young people die, when they have lived so little?" How do you know that they have lived so little? This crude measure of yours is time, but life is not measured in time. This is just the same as to say, "Why is this saying, this poem, this picture, this piece of music so short? How was it broken off and not drawn out to the size of the longest speech or piece of music, or the largest picture? " As the measure of length is inapplicable to the meaning (or greatness) of productions of wisdom or poetry, so...even more evidently...it is inapplicable to life. How do you know what inner growth this soul accomplished in its short span, and what influence it had on others?

I have recently returned from a trip to Buffalo to see my parents and other relatives. It had been exactly one year to the day I saw them last, [Halloween 2008] I had plans to visit in March of this year but was unable due to Prednisone withdrawl......VERY hard..... So I had to cancel. My sister Kathy from North Carolina accompanied me and as she has been for the last five or so years very helpful with my luggage and helping me walk. She flies from Raleigh to Detroit then we take the same plane from DTW to BUF. It was great to see my brother, sister ,aunt and uncle and some cousins........What was most interesting to me was seeing my parents. My sister Kathy who visits much more frequently than I do told me to ,"brace yourself when you see Mom and Dad." Having worked in geriatrics for about 30 years I was pretty much prepared for what I was to find....and did find. My parents at almost 86 and 88, non ambulatory, Verbal.....but without an ounce of sense.........Their eating manners were crude to say the least...but they were able to still feed themselves!! We shared many CRAZY laughs which really sounded VERY strange, yet still had a VERY real ring of truth...........Often times pretty right on and SO funny!! However, I couldn't help the obvious.....here are my parents at almost 86 and 88 STILL alive with NO quality of life and my sweet baby, who should be 25 now has been GONE for almost NINE YEARS!!.............I don't get it, and I have to admit to everyone I still know, I harbor some....Maybe A LOT of resentment. Why are they still basically eating, drinking pooping and peeing and my son is GONE but showed SO much promise for the future............I DO NOT RESENT MY PARENTS, they cannot help how long they exist......notice I do not say LIVE, but exist.........because they are not living. If my parents had been able to look nine years to the future in 2000, they would have begged God to take them instead of Chris.....just as I did AFTER the fact. I repeat,.... I DO NOT resent my parents, I DO still harbor resentment for fate or God or Karma, what ever it is......or maybe, possibly MOSTLY William Michael Schniers and all of his family who allowed him to drive half blind and brain damaged and provided him the vehicle that killed my son.............This IS A BAD month for me.

Since refusing the chemo a few weeks ago I've been looking at alternative cancer treatments on line. I bought a book titled CANCER FREE by Bill Henderson....third edition. Chapter 3 is titled, WHAT IS CANCER. On page 42 under the heading, Where does it come from? He states,"Probably the most important thing to know about the cause of cancer is that in most cases it occurs as the result of : !) An EMOTIONAL TRAUMA such as loss of a child in a dramatic way or EXTENDED STRESS like that caused by a bitter divorce........In 2003 the Doctors at ST. Joes were right when they told me my cancer was most likely caused by stress and grief as a result of Chris' death.

Charlie would have been 19 today! He was such a great dog. The boys and I LOVED him so much. Charlie had the honor of sharing my "baby" sister's birthday......Happy Birthday Molly....or Mary Elaine.

Another scan Monday...Results today. My CEA continues to mount and the tumors have grown again but My Oncologist and I were able to agree to put off the last treatment available to me for at least 3 months. Chemo makes me much more sick than well and I'm not looking forward to being bald AGAIN! While I don't feel very well any day at least I am able to eeek out some kind of life. With chemo I am only able to make it from the bed to the BR to the couch. I'm not ready to go back there again but I know it will happen eventually....just not now.

I happened to catch the very last of Dr. Phil's show yesterday. Apparently earlier in the show someone had asked him what his biggest fear was...he kept everyone tuned in until the end to find out I guess. He said his biggest fear is if something should happen to one of his children...he has two boys too. He went on to say, "if anything ever happened to one of my children they'd just have to cart me off to the dump." Oh my, could I relate. They've been carting me off to the dump in little pieces for the last six years. I will go to my grave believing I developed this horrible disease as the result of a broken heart. I'm running out of pieces to cart off. I sometimes wonder if God is being kind to me by prolonging my cancer or is dragging it out for some unknown reason. All I know is I'm getting TIRED and I can't remember the last time I can honestly say I have felt good. But I keep trying to do what I can for as long as I can. I KNOW my accomplishments are becoming less and I believe my time is as well. Sunday was my 55th birthday....my 9th!!! without Chris. Needless to say he is still TERRIBLY missed EVERY day....I will NEVER recover from his loss.

That's a beautiful photo. I always wondered whose dog it was.

Today's picture is my most favorite of all the pictures we took over the many years we went to the cottage on Lake Huron. A beautiful boy, in his beloved "fish pants" at water's edge.....He LOVED the water. The dog was roaming the beach and Chris, missing his Spaniel Charlie "borrowed" him for the afternoon.

Wednesday June 10th Chris should have been 25!!! It's mind boggling. I STILL wonder what he would be doing, where he would be...and I ALWAYS will. Some of his friends are getting married, having babies...I wonder if he would or if he'd be living his dream working for Disney / Pixar or working with his brother at Enlighten....I always told them I believed they'd work together. This will be the first year since he was killed I will be out of town for his birthday. It makes me sad in a way but is most likely a good thing.....lots of distractions, triplets and a four year old at the beach!! Even though I will be away with no computer, he will be on my mind. I STILL MISS him every day. So an early Happy Birthday to my sweet boy. I still miss you and love you so much!